We are in constant need for approval. Not when we first come to the world of course. Babies are naturally born to be the centre of their own existence. They grab all they need to be happy in the most self assured and absolute way, with cries and screams if mum doesn’t comply with their will.
The need for approval is instilled into us when we start becoming social animals, by our parents and the education system. Some studies suggest from as little as 1 year old. If we are well behaved, then we get a piece of cake. We study, we pass a test and we get a good mark. If people approve of us, we get the benefits. If what we do is not in line with the expectations of others, we face the consequences.
Depending on the type of emotional and social background we come from, this need for approval varies from the healthy and benign, which allow us to be an integrated part of our social environment, to the neurotic. Some are in a state of constant need for validation. It all becomes complicated when our self-esteem is too often dependent on whether others approve of our behaviour or not. When our self-worth is not intrinsic but obtained through external feedback. We are not whole and happy because we are. We are whole and happy if and when mum and dad think so, or our lover or teacher or boss or friend decides so.
This way we try to comply with everything all those people ask of us. We live dad’s life when we accept to study law like he did, even if our true self would choose another path. We follow our lover’s desire to move to a different city, or hold onto a boring job for financial security. Or we rebel and go against everything society expect of us, in protest, thus still manifesting a desire for validation, if at the reverse.
To strike the balance between being an effective social animal and being your true self is art as well as science. Depending a lot on earlier life experiences, some people are more inclined to listen to their true needs and be independent whilst in harmony with their environment. And this isn’t an absolute, in varying situations, our self-esteem will change and follow the normal ups and downs which characterise life of course, as nothing stands still for very long.
But we can work on our need for approval. We can become more independent from feedback and validation. More confident and centred and ultimately, you’ll see, charismatic and successful in other people’s eyes too. And we can start working on this, once again, with Yoga.
Yoga provides some tools to help make our life better. By focusing on our core, the area of the naval, where our gut is. With meditation and specific asanas aimed at the middle of the abdomen, we can grow our ability to feel confident. We can trigger feelings of self-worth and determination. We can build the courage and self-esteem needed to assert ourselves. We can reconnect with the hero inside of us and take the actions needed to be more fulfilled in our present lives. Or sometimes make courageous decisions to improve on our present condition.
I am not saying Yoga is the only way to increase your self-worth, independently of tyrannical bosses and needy partners, but it provides a tool, especially effective if coupled with a bit of self-analysis. Do we always want to please others? Why is that? Let’s do 40 uddiyana bandhas, 4 minutes on each side of trikonasana, 2 minutes of nabhyasana, 3 minutes of dhanurasana and 4 minutes of pavana muktasana. Followed by a 30 minutes meditation on manipura chakra. Who’ll take the decision now eh!?