There are at least 2 dimensions of consciousness available to everyone: the outer life and the inner life. We are trained and experienced on how to make sense of the outer life, social etiquette, job and all that. The inner life is neglected, if not ignored. As if it didn’t exist, there is little to no real conventional training on how to explore the complexities of thoughts, feelings and emotions.
And yet, there are few precious things that really make a difference to our existence. One of those, for me, has been learning meditation, the discovery and cultivation of the inner dimension, the rich universe that forms my mind and soul.
I discovered Transcendental Meditation (TM) some 3 years ago and I practised daily ever since. As you are fond of a family member, dear friend or a lover, so I am fond of TM. I have been faithful to my mantra, the vehicle I use to escape the outside and explore the inner realm, a sound that was given to me by my teacher Chris.
Once you know how to fall into yourself, to navigate the subtleties of your consciousness, you become familiar with the sensations and special awareness brought about by this technique. It is then easy to switch modality and learn new types of meditation that bring similar but different sensations and modes of transport into the unknowns of your subconscious.
I also occasionally practised a form of mindfulness where you sit and listen to the surrounding sounds, as they appear. Very nice and a different flavour, a distinct texture to TM. A feeling of expansion in the back part of my head carries a very special and satisfying lightness, mingled with calm joy and detachment.
Energy is my friend too. I like moving it from the sky or the earth into the body and then from chakra to chakra, it’s a sure way to immediate feelings of pleasure, a shortcut into the depth of my consciousness and a powerful mood booster.
Vipassana, as I learnt at the Doi Suthep Monastery, just outside Chiang Mai, is yet again another plane, a different feeling, a new form of exploration of this mysterious experience which we call life.
I came to this mountain temple armed with a patient expectation of hardship, I knew it was going to be difficult and at times it really was, and for me specifically, during the night.
I heard of Vipassana stories, the monkey mind tormenting you, physical pain, solitude, a hard bed and basic accommodation. Nobody mentioned the scarcity of the food. Literally, 2 small carbs dishes with no second servings at 7am and 11am were all the nutrition provided, maybe 800 calories, at a stretch. To top it all, I had planned to start with a 48 hour water fast, a reset I do at least twice a year.
It is difficult to describe with words the heightened mental states and soul connection I achieved through 5 or 6 hours of daily meditation. The peace, joy and stillness after each session, the sharpness of the mind, clarity of vision or stoned like stupor I indulged during this experience.
States of cold detachment from thought, warm sensations in the body and pleasant emptiness of the mind led to moments of bliss and an amazing 1 hour long, painful and yet joyful, sweet and sour opening of the heart.
On my final evening at the monastery, after a particularly enchanting session of walking and then sitting practice, which form the core of this technique, I retire to my monastic cell and immediately fall onto the hard bed. As I do that I get overwhelmed with a stabbing pain in the middle of the sternum, a very physical sensation, an intense aching halfway the breastbone.
Allarmed, I press the sternum with my hand, massage it deeply and there’s nothing physically wrong with it. As I let go and fall into this sensation of morbid anguish, I start to perceive a related sweet feeling of sorrow, a longing for tears. Pain and suffering, mitigated by a sweetness, a counterbalancing feeling of self pity and love.
My ex-girlfriend Sophie is brought to memory, the moment when I walked out her house at 10pm, after our final bitter discussion, sanctioning our splitting after 2 years of relationship. Even further in the past, another ex comes through my mind, a moment of jelousy, the feeling of disloyalty. And then my long term relationship with Alena, over 6 years together, a big part of my London self. I see her smile and almost feel the warmth of her soul, the scent of her hair and I feel sorry she suffered the loss of her beloved.
More deeply still, returning home tired after a day’s work, my father’s memory is painfully vivid. The opening of the door and the manifestation of his tired, stern energy home. My subconscious delivers the images of certain specific moments of disconnect with him, followed by hurting memories of betrayal and abandonment. A feeling of respect and the desire for reconciliation mix with an overwhelming sensation of sorrow and hopelessness. All of a sudden, the focus of the mind is shifted to mum hugging my child self and my weary, closed eyes shed a sweet, loving and very satisfying tear.
1 hour later, amazed and exhausted, I reach for a magnesium pill, a trick I use occasionally when sleep doesn’t come easy. As soon as I take this remedy, way before it has any chance to work, I fall into a deep, heavy and restorative slumber.
As I write this post, 3 days have gone by and I sense my state of consciousness is coming back to normal, but yet not quite like before. The integration of the experience feels complete but I no longer have the fresh feeling of cleanliness in the lungs and throat, the light step that followed this time of continuous meditation. Could these heightened and rather special sensations be permanently part of someone’s life?
This morning, after 1 hour of gentle yoga, I very slowly and carefully walked up and down my hotel room with a low gaze, training my awareness on the base of the feet for 20 minutes.
I then moved into a crossed legged position, closed my eyes and once more focused on the gentle raising and falling of the belly, entering the inner, intimate space of consciousness.
This is mine now, this ancient technique belongs to me. A mode of inquiry, a bridge to a sense of belonging, a dive into an ocean of peace and joy, an escape from the alternating fortunes of the material world, vipassana meditation is mine forever.