I hope you don’t mind, that I put down in words, how wonderful life is while you’re in the world, sings Elton John. Flowery words, exaggerated lyrics, sweet music characterise love songs and poems. Love is everything, love is all, love is the way, love is…
…a concoction of chemicals: oestrogen and testosterone, dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine. Give me a hug, I need some oxytocin! We’ve been together for so long and I will always love you… thanks to vasopressin, an anti-diuretic hormone. Really? Apparently that’s what happens when the passionate beginning fades, and long term bonding grows. Oxytocin and vasopressin instead of dopamine. Oh.. I hate (sic) how science ruins it, but looking at it from a physical perspective retains some value. We are modern men and women and put science first.
I have been watching a wonderful university course on Human Behavioural Biology on YouTube. Prof. Sapolsky explains how there are different mating behaviours across animals. There are tournament species and pair-bonded species and we humans are in between. In the tournament model, opportunism reigns as any eventual child is primarily raised by the female. The winner takes it all: strong looking, smart, skilled and ruthless males will get lots of (love) and everyone else not so much, chimp style. Females always seem to find a partner as males compete for them, but are then left pregnant and alone.
Polyamory used to be the rule until a more modern version of society emerged, and religions with it. It must be mortifying to be a “lesser” male specimen in the jungle, bullied by the alpha and ignored by all females. Society regulated this and gave many more guys the opportunity to find a long term partner through the (often sacred) institution of marriage. It seems in the context of raising children and social peace and stability, pair-bonding became imperative for ladies, who wanted a more caring partner, and practical for men, so monogamy evolved. In theory and for some at least.
Cupid, a beautiful angel and an ancient god, has caused pain, misery, and even death. Oh how much suffering love can bring! Who hasn’t experienced the pangs of jealousy, the betrayal of infidelity, the rejection of a loved one? Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet and countless tragedies were initiated by love. Irrational love (can love be rational?), desperate love, destructive love (sounds like an oxymoron), tragic love. People have died for love, killed for love, started wars for love, as it is beautifully told in the ancient epic poem, the Iliad.
When you are in love you feel light, frivolous, excited, enthusiastic. Love is in the air, everywhere I look around, Love is in the air, every sight and every sound! Oh the wonder of brain chemistry, the scientist would say.
Is love one and absolute or many and relative? Compassion, respect, support, are these words also related to some form of love?
Ancient Greeks identified 7 types of love:
Storge: love for parents, children and siblings
Philia: friendship
Eros: sensual, sexual love
Agape: divine, universal love
Ludus: flirting, playful love. I suppose flirting is a game…
Pragma: committed, married love. Is marrying the pragmatic thing to do?
Philautia: self love
In Yoga love in its purest version is associated with the Heart Chakra Anahata. Universal love or love for all forms and all beings, unconditionally. The Heart Yogic path is called Bakthi Yoga, the faithful worshipping of the divine through rituals, praying, music and chanting.
Self love is a very popular subject with many books and motivational speakers reinforcing the importance of loving ourselves. They mean it is good to have a healthy self esteem I suppose. With society very much focused on preservation and material progress, often our own self-actualisation needs are sacrificed to provide goods and services for the collective to operate. Work can be done with love and so become a path of self-actualisation. It’s Karma Yoga or Yoga of service. Mother Teresa, a catholic nun, saw Jesus in every human being and worked relentlessly to alleviate suffering.
One of the highest manifestations of love can be seen between mother and child and giving birth could be the ultimate physical embodiment of love. The baby and toddler is completely helpless and totally, unconditionally dependent for a rather long time. Dependency isn’t true love, actually, it destroys love, some of my tantric friends would argue. Is this true? And what is real love then?
Ask your mum and dad. There are at least 4 ways to be with someone, 4 attachment types. This works initially for the parent-child relationship and often gets replicated with adult partners, as in many cases life is a broken record we keep on playing, over and over again. Actors change, the choreography too but the plot is often the same.
Secure Attachment: the ideal scenario. Two emotionally compatible, healthy individuals meeting each-other in heaven. They would normally have good individual self-esteem, strong mutual trust and common goals. Securely attached lovers have made the conscious decision to overcome life struggles, grow and get old together.
Anxious Attachment: do you crave reassurance and constant validation, physical touch and attention? If you are the needy type, you know where you belong.
Dismissive-Avoidant: are you emotionally distant, don’t seem to desire love and mostly run from any committed long term relationship? You might end up with an anxious attached… Yes, in some strange ways the opposites attract.
Disorganized Attachment: also an insecure type of attachment which can reach extreme antisocial or pathological behaviours. New age sex guru style. We accept the love we think we deserve.
Some of the best aspects of the Christian faith preach about Love. Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.
I am not quite there yet, but I know what love is. So overconfident of me, almost arrogant. I had 3 deep felt long term relationships prior to my current one and was so very much in love with my mum, until I became a teenager that is. I never been a parent though, can I say to have truly loved? I don’t know, I am one of the brain, or that’s what I feel is my natural predisposition.
Personal pain and suffering, as I transformed my life, made me more conscious. As my strong, London grown Manipura (the 3rd chakra and spiritual seat of the ego) broke into pieces, I started working on opening the heart with Yoga asanas and meditations. I now help people going through healing journeys and I feel for them, I really do! That’s why I like running fasting programs so much. I feel when people fast, they are more vulnerable, more in their heart and there’s no better connection that the heart connection.
Can we live without love? Can we, really? Oh no. Love, in any of its forms, is what makes us human and divine at the same time. It’s the essence of what we are. But then, I am a romantic, maybe a fool, an extrovert, an optimist. And this is one of my favourite quotes for living life:
You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching, love like you’ll never be hurt, sing like there’s nobody listening, and live like it’s heaven on earth. – W. Purkey.