Lonely is what I fear the most. Not being alone, but feeling lonely for sure. My life’s choices, or karma, depending on whether you think there’s such a thing as “free will”, made me share a lot of life with myself. I left my family home at age 19 to live in Milan for university, moved to London in my early 20s and relocated to Thailand at 38. I have always been fiercely independent and outward looking in my youth, lusting to see the world, travel and discover the new and the unexplored.
Every time I moved to a new place, I started from scratch, adapting to new social norms, culture and lifestyle and it can take a while to meet new friends, feel grounded, secure, established in a foreign or novel environment. While retaining a zest for life, a strong desire to learn and experience, I also naturally crave to feel part of a community of like minded people, secure in a social identity of sorts, sharing life moments with friends and connection with like hearted and like minded people.
Being born in a mountain village, my first travel escapes and breaks from the tedious routine of teenage years were found in the exotic adventure novels of Emiglio Salgari. Fierce and proud pirates and daredevils would sail the seas of Malaysia and Indonesia hunting for treasures, gold and beautiful courtesans. Novels were always a big part of my youth and I can proudly say I was the best client of the local public library.
Who needs anyone when you have a good book? Reading somewhat set me apart from my peer group in the village and provided many sweet hours of alone time without the feelings of loneliness.
Moving to Milan for university was a whole new world and I felt lonely at times. I remember having a habit of walking in the evening around the city neighbourhood, looking at the strange and mysterious people of the night: barmen, bakers, prostitutes, taxi drivers, cops and rubbish collectors. It was exciting to be in Milan, the big city, full of opportunities and things to see and experience. In my 3rd year at uni, I finally moved to a student residence with 100 people and some of my best friends to date originate from those years. I remember having big communal dinners and hours of hanging out with 10 or 20 people at a time, in real Italian style.
It seems we are social animals, which means as a specie, human beings rely on cooperation to survive and thrive. We need each-other very much, love and belonging forming a fundamental need in Maslow’s hierarchy. Social isolation is proven detrimental for health and lowers life expectancy.
I was 21 when I took my first solo Interrail trip around central and eastern Europe and that was so exciting and stimulating, not even once I felt lonely during the 3-week adventure. I naturally attracted interesting and wonderful people in hostels, on trains and the beautiful streets and squares of Budapest, Prague and Krakow. I soon developed the strong desire to live abroad and studied in the Netherlands for 7 months as part of the EU sponsored Erasmus Program, one of the most satisfying and socially connecting experiences of my life.
Loneliness is the state of being alone and feeling sad about it. Everyone experiences it sometimes, this feeling of separateness and unwanted detachment from the most wonderful energy of all, the vicinity and connection with like hearted people, the communion of human souls. If you were born in a southern European country, you may know the cultural emphasis attributed to coming together as an enlarged family, a tribe of friends. In Italy the social norm among the youth was to create often spontaneous outings and events in groups, meet at the local bar/cafe and wait for everyone to show up. A passing acquaintance is easily introduced to the clan and brought along to the next destination or activity.
London was the place I experienced loneliness again, a huge city with a fast pace and a very distinct culture of politeness mixed with (sometimes) cold aloofness and skepticism. I moved to the UK with a strong can-do attitude, a feeling of near invincibility and some 3000 GBP in my pocket, a couple of months before 9-11 and the dotcom bubble burst.
I remember struggling at first to adapt to a more individualistic society. It took me a while to learn to manage my social calendar, scheduling to see a friend at a time 1 or 2 weeks later. It seemed really funny how careful the English seemed to invite the right people to the right meeting, assuring some form of common traits and homogeneity in the group.
Loneliness, London style, meant weekend afternoons spent in parks alone and miles upon miles of street walking. I eventually started dating a local girl called Sophie and spending weekends with her caring and connected family, who made me feel like an adopted son. This experience, followed by others, made me love the wonderfully world class mannerism and social etiquette of the English.
When you are lonely you can withdraw and suffer in silence. I met people on my 1-year long round the world trip hardened by solitude. Some long term travelling types or other alternatives on the road seemed as if they had given up on having a social life, or a romantic partner.
Another way to escape loneliness is to dare eye contact and meet strangers. This can either take the form of a clumsily desperate approach, with near guaranteed awkwardness and social rejection, or a more relaxed mingle and successful connection in a natural, innately predisposed or maybe learnt fashion.
I was very shy as a kid but gradually became more extroverted growing up and I mostly tend to go for the proactive form, risking mild embarrassments and rejection over sadly withdrawing in a corner on my own. The backpacking, travelling subculture fortunately provided a large variety of hostels and lodges, transportation and hangouts, parties and events to meet and share adventure stories and future plans.
I felt lonely sometimes, but mostly managed to meet casual and longer term companions on a regular basis. This amazing show of independence and self reliance, brought me to 15 countries across South America, Australia and Asia.
Back in London, corporate work travel seemed sort of glamorous to start with but soon became, for me at least, really tiring, lonely and even unhealthy. Prior to my burnout and new life transformation, I spent up to 10 days a month in airports, taxis and hotels. Never feeling completely comfortable in the job, I was not really able to connect with many of my coworkers and felt stressed and lonely a lot of the time.
When I look back at life, I truly feel finding Yoga was a huge jump in awareness for me. I now fully appreciate the important difference between being alone and feeling lonely. I spent some me-time during the first 2 years in Koh Phangan and I am feeling very much part of the local community now.
I personally suffered Pandemic restrictions as a clearly perceived loss of freedom and an exaggerated and illegitimate imposition. Media induced fear mongering, division, forced and prolonged social distancing in the name of health seemed like an oxymoron, a bad figure of speech. This strange event made my girlfriend relocate down from Bangkok and the community of people living in Koh Phangan closer and more long term, which has been fabulous from a social perspective.
I am currently blessed with a very connected love relationship and many international friends and acquaintances which make life on the island a true treasure of social stimulation and togetherness. I found my place in the world and I can express a strong intention to plant solid roots here, Inshallah. I went full circle, after 20 years in large cities, I am back in a village, where long term residents know each other and are implicitly and explicitly invested in keeping good relations if not healthy communion.
“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved” Mother Teresa once said. My life is proof I never feared being alone but loneliness for me is the worst of nightmares, the darkest life, the ultimate death of the Soul. I hope to be socially mature and enough spiritually developed to seek and enjoy time alone when needed, and otherwise have the company, wisdom, love and support of family, friends, neighbours, brothers and sisters here or wherever life will bring me.