Sexuality as an outlet for anxiety, stress, aggression, anger, frustration, boredom, restlessness and more. Pornography at its heydays, where women are submissive and the passive objects of men. Or men submissive to women, whatever floats your boat.
Being at the giving end. Being at the receiving end. The principle of resonance. The mystery of the id, ego and superego. I stopped getting pleasure from drinking alcohol, smoking and partying. I stopped getting pleasure from what the general public perceives as fun and leisurely.
I get pleasure from reading books and studying things. I get pleasure from meeting new people. I get pleasure from doing lots of yoga. Saving money feels good. Eating healthily feels good. Early nights feel good. Sometimes I think I am not in the getting pleasure game anymore. Sex feels good though. And not just sex, the flirting game, the love game, the connecting game.
I am in avoiding pain mode. But for a reason, not a present moment reason as much. Or maybe for a present moment reason too, to a certain extent, the present moment of being out of pain which could be anxiety, sometimes associated with its evil sister depression. The reason is the future plan, yet again, like so many, living for the future, what a cliché. Or the healthy ability to work towards a greater goal?
I stay put now, stay calm and put off pain now, I accomplish what I need to accomplish and I will be justified enough, to myself (Freudian superego) and my family and society as a whole. My new life, or new chapter, will be justified because planned and because of the steadiness and stability now.
My future plan of moving away from the unhealthy treadmill, our working environments, politicking and subtle frustrations, the 9-6 imprisonment of the soul, the consumerist chaos of urban living. Away from this, for a few years at least, or maybe for good.
I had sex 3 times in the past 3 days and it feels good. I stay out of pain by cutting off unbalancing pleasure. Yes, that’s a better definition of what I am doing now. Let’s channel some of the above into sexuality with my legitimate girlfriend. Let’s transform daily frustrations into doggy style form. Anxiety into cunnilingus. Boredom into fellatio. Tantric style. Yes, the art of sublimation, tantric style.
I don’t like my job right now. I endure it, for the future, and because a suitable alternative isn’t in sight as yet. Or I am too unmotivated to look for one. Or I don’t think there’s one in what I am doing, my current profession. Having to spend so much time with people I have no interest in. Doing something I fundamentally do not care about. But I know I can make some aspects of it appealing. I can even find some form of excitement. I can, at times, think my day there is not completely wasted. Because it isn’t.
I know that my pain avoidance strategy requires stability. Temporarily parking my life 8 hours a day in an office for money is stability. A little pain, to avoid much greater pain. And for a much greater good down the line, in 2 years time. It doesn’t make sense. Or does it? Where is the right balance between being true to yourself and making it work in reality?
Well, back to sex? Nop, I am off on the bike now. The pleasure to go fix my brakes and clean my chain.